I found these on xena.nu and found them absolutely hilarious and I
thought that I should share'em with the XOC'ers:
TOP TEN REJECTED TITLES FOR THE XENA MOVIE
10: A Friend in Need, part 3
9: Joxer's Angels
8: Things To Do in Heaven When You're Dead
7: Xena: the Legendary Journeys
6: 2001 BC - A Thrace Odyssey
5: Married With Fishsticks - the Movie
4: Young Eve - Imperial Toddler
3: The Clone Wars
2: Six Foot Babe, Six Foot Under
1: Episode 135: A New Hope
TOP TEN REJECTED TITLES FOR THE XENA MOVIE PART II
10: Young Alti and the Goblet of Fire
9: The Devil Wears Ngila
8: The Chronicles of Greece: The Horse, The Shamaness & The
Wardrobe
7: Déjà vu
6: Sisterhood of the Travelling BGSB
5: Rob Tapert's Corpse Bride
4: Xena & Gabrielle: Tale of the Were-Chakram
3: Kiss, Kiss, Whoosh, Whoosh
2: Pirates of the Aegean: Dead Woman's Chest
1: Joxer: Cultural Learnings of Athens for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of
Thrace
TOP TEN THEORIES WHY ARES' BEARD KEEPS CHANGING:
10: It is not easy to shave using armour-pieces for mirrors.
9: The beard is enchanted and changes with the surroundings to make him look
as cool as possible.
8: He shaves twice an hour but with him being a god, it grows back again in
no time.
7: He never shaves, but sometimes he misses a move during
weapon-practice.
6: His beard is at war with his sideburns and moves with the tides of
war.
5: It depends on the budget for the episode.
4: He lets the Furies shave him, but a different one wins the qualifying
fight every time.
3: The skull on his throne gnaws at it when he sleeps.
2: You try shaving with a full-length sword!
1: It is not a beard. Ares loves liquorice and lacks table manners.
TOP TEN METHODS FOR
FINDING XENA:
10: Look for tracks of one horse and one small person walking by its
side.
9: Look for deep cuts in hard to reach places, high tree-branches, walls,
pillars etc.
8: Look for heaps of stunned, half-deafened but alive bandits.
7: Look for heaps of stone dead Roman soldiers.
6: Look for small mittens with scraps of food and crumpled scrolls.
5: See to it that you travel in the same direction as a group of unstunned
bandits with perfect hearing.
4: Avoid Hercules. She is usually where he isn't.
3: Check if there is any fish in the water or if the nearest village elder
has an ugly hat. If so, look somewhere else.
2: If there is a really good reason not to go there: go there.
1: Disguise yourself as a warlord, messenger or villager in need and
she'll probably find you before the commercial.
TOP TEN UNCANNY
SIMILARITIES BETWEEN XWP AND LOTR (apart from same-sex affection, New Zealand, Ngila Dickson, Marton Csokas and Karl Urban):
10: The story spans millennia.
9: Only one horse for the entire company.
8: A fire-demon nearly breaks up a relationship.
7: The written languages are very hard to read.
6: A slim psychopath is a recurring nemesis.
5: Cities that are obviously the same have different names during different
times.
4: The hero's sidekick is short glutton who hates boats, can recite
poetry but not initially fight very well.
3: The hero carries a unique, virtually indestructible and dangerous metal
circle that has a tendency to show up again when thrown away.
2: It is a spin-off that overshadows its predecessor.
1:The heroes are rarely attacked by more than nine enemies at a time.
TOP TEN REASONS TO
WATCH XWP INSTEAD OF LOTR:
10: Women.
9: Humour.
8: Frodo runs away when a fire-demon threatens a comrade. Xena
doesn't.
7: In XWP, the heroes are not depending on old men or talking
vegetation.
6: You don't have to sleep through fifty pages to find some
action.
5: Xena can destroy a bridge without falling to her death.
4: In LotR, a 7' jump is a challenge.
3: When the heroes take a bath in LotR, they sing. When the heroes take a
bath in XWP, we sing.
2: Frodo's sidekick is a gardener. Xena's sidekick is an Amazon
queen.
1: Xena's ring is larger and she's not afraid to use it.
TOP TEN REAL
REASONS WHY GABRIELLE THREW HER STAFF IN THE RIVER
10: She wanted to wash the white fluffy thing and a wave took it.
9: She wanted to wash the white fluffy thing and a Way took it.
8: She was sick and tired of getting splinters in her hands during every
battle.
7: It was still on fire from the battle with Indrajeet.
6: It laughed at her poetry.
5: She was trying to train it to act like a chakram.
4: It was an order from the joint chief of staff.
3: - I can TOO throw it over the river!
2: - Aoum. I have inner peace. I can make this staff float in the air. Aoum…
- Ahem.
1: It was taking too much of her time.
TOP THEN MEANINGS OF TPTB
10: This Phrase's Totally Bizarre
9: Tee Pee Tee Bee
8: True, Pure, Transcendent Benevolence
7: The Powers That Are
6: Those People That Boss
5: Tall Princess, Tiny Bard
4: Hercules: the Legendary Journeys (oh, you said TPTB. Young
Hercules then)
3: Tapert Pays The Bills
2: Those Pinching The Bard
1: Teenage Putant Tinja Burtles
TOP TEN EXPLANATIONS WHY THE ALEXANDER MOVIE FAILED
10: The hero's horse had a name with more than two syllables and didn't end with
an 'o'
9: All women can dance. No woman can do anything else
8: No one jumped a single yard
7: The hero is blonde with a brunette sidekick, not the other way around
6: Only Alti's eyeliners were featured, not Alti herself
5: No one was crucified. Not even for a short while
4: The ring neither made cool sounds, nor was it any good to throw
3: The snakes weren't made of real rubber
2: The Ptolemeic monarch has white hair, not black, and we really don't want to see
him naked, either in golden chains or in a milk bath
1: The Mûmaks were too small and poorly animated
WHY XENA IS SANTA
10: Has firm notions about good and bad.
9: Can enter a house unnoticed but normally leaves behind ample evidence of
her passage.
8: High leather boots.
7: Likes to travel with the help of well-trained quadrupeds.
6: Can fly (almost).
5: While her legend has mythic roots from several cultures, she is on the
whole a quite modern phenomenon.
4: Has a theme song (or more than one).
3: Goes around the world at inhuman speed.
2: Has a cute sidekick way shorter than she is.
1: Has a trademark monosyllabic shout.
Who ever came up with those is brilliant!
Very funny!!!!!
