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LadyRowanD and LadyKate, I think you both have good points about the way that sexuality in Xena's time was different, and that there really was no "Xena's time," since it was all a fantasy world. I enjoy setting different Xena stories up against the "real" versions of events--in particular, When in Rome and One Against an Army in the ep of the week threads.

I think that the Xenastaff created a world that was partially true historical Greece (attitudes about war, for example, or the fact that slavery was legally acceptable through most of the series), partially modern times dressed up in historical clothing (such as attitudes about women, and the way that Gabrielle's parents couldn't stop her since she was an adult), partially a world-changing epic adventure setting (in particular the Dahak arc, and the way that people were wanting to build a better world, or "her courage will change the world"), and partially an idealized version of our times, the way attitudes ought to be. I think that sexuality fell into this last category. We had someone in a different thread mention that it would be good if it was just a matter of fact question, "Do you have a girlfriend or a boyfriend?" On X:WP, it seemed like the staff set out to create a world where that would just be a matter of fact question. And (in my opinion) I think they succeeded.

Vampirecookies said,

It's easy for me to believe that he'd suspect Xena would have been fooling around with the kid as he was there when the "fun pair" showed up to their tent, but certainly not to the extent that she's crying, rambling, contemplating beheading a small child with a pitch-fork, and arbitrarily killing a man so she could travel to the Amazon land of the dead for another peek. That would definitely illicit a WTF on his part.

You put that very well, and thanks for making me laugh!!

For Xena specifically...I think sexual relationships actually got in the way of the things she truly needed from people. She had a lot of baggage, not just regarding men (although that too), but also specifically regarding men who she had been in sexual relationships with. I think that's why it took her so long to acknowledge that she loved Borias. She did from the beginning (when she told Gabrielle that her story wasn't a story about hatred but about love, I don't think she was just talking about Lao Ma), but she (in my opinion) had something in her where she couldn't believe that a man who wanted to sleep with her could also love her. He could say that he loved her, but when Caesar said, "I love you," he meant, "You are a step in my destiny, and there is nothing else in the world except that..." I think that Xena was hearing some of that from Borias too, which wasn't fair because Borias never meant that, but Xena still heard it because of all she'd been through with Caesar.

I think that's where Xena's trying to live without love came in, but in the meantime, she still had the same relational needs she'd always had. The need for someone to love her and not need anything from her (no steps on the way to his destiny)...the need for someone to believe she had the potential to be better than she was...the need for someone to say "I will be here with you," and "I want to commit my life to you." In our society, we usually view those things as connected with sexual/romantic relationships and marriage, but they don't have to be. And for Xena, I don't think they could be, at least not at first...because of her past baggage. (And here, I'm not saying anything globally about relationships at all, just a specific observation about Xena.)

Oh, I definitely think Alti presented Anokin to Xena as a sex toy. However, once alone, Anokin was in the same situation M'Lila had been--a woman who had no reason to care anything for Xena, who would probably suffer at her hands, yet who grew to love her anyway. I'm not sure...maybe I'm being naive here, since just because I can't imagine something doesn't mean that something doesn't exist...but I can't imagine that kind of relationship developing if they were sleeping together. I wish we had seen a bit more of the way the relationship did develop...what was it that made them grow to be friends instead of conqueror/slave girl...what did Anokin see in Xena that she believed in, and how did she express it?

I think that this conception of Xena leaves a few things out--due to developing that close bond with Gabrielle based on those relational things and mutual belief in each other--Xena wasn't really in a good spot to develop any other external romantic relationships. One of the reasons my favorite pairing for her is Marcus is that I thought Marcus was able to heal some of those past things (he did believe in her, even to the point of depending on his memory of her when he was in Tartarus), and also because it was a safe, from a distance type relationship until such a time as the reincarnation/afterlife stuff settled down.

Now I don't know where I'm going with this, but thanks for the discussion and for taking the time to answer my question, everyone!