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Dear troops and members of the ASG, I just returned successfully from an insanely difficult and breathtakingly dangerous mission in the name of our glorious queen and I brought back some exiting artefacts from which not only the PLA but everybody around here will benefit immensely. So here's a short mission report to illustrate said difficulty and danger.

And btw, to complete the mission the involvement of both our mighty Co-SiCs was necessary.

Some time ago our mighty Co-Sic Bardy (Hot Shot at that time) discovered an unknown ancient temple built in the honour of our beloved queen. While exploring the deep chambers and halls, she stumbled (literally) into a small hidden room. One of the walls was covered by a relief which spoke of copies of our queen's scrolls kept at different locations. Our beloved leader Gabrielle was extremely happy about this discovery for she hoped there might be copies of a few original scrolls which had been lost because Xena needed something to build a campfire with.

Unfortunately part of the relief had been destroyed by a cave-in, so identifying the described location was quite a challenge. However, after detailed analysis Bardy came up with a map which marked the exact location of the hiding place and I volunteered for the mission to find the scrolls.

So the next morning, I set out to find the spot marked on the map. This proved to be very difficult. After ending up in several dead ends, I stopped in a nearby Amazon village to consult the wisdom of the elders. They suggested using an ancient Amazon vision quest ritual to locate the hiding place. As two minds concentrating on the same thing have a better chance I called on Bardy to help me in this quest. Using secret trance inducing potions we received several visions.

As it is the nature of those things they consisted of warped images, confusing the mind with strange colours and sounds and someone less experienced in the use of the secret mind-expanding substances might have been overwhelmed by it. We however could identify a word fragment that appeared continuously…Olymp…

Could it be that Mt Olympus was the location? I immediately started my journey to the remote location of the once powerful stronghold of the Greek gods. After two weeks I found myself at the base of the majestic mountain and pondered where to start my search when the goddess Aphrodite popped up in a smoke of pink stardust. Being a close friend of our beloved queen, she inquired to know what one of Gabrielle's devoted followers was looking for at the seat of the gods…or rather what's left of them.

"Hey cutie, what's one of Gabby's gorgeous babes doin in my happily deceased family's home?"

I hopefully explained, but was disappointed by her "Scrolls? Wisdom? Honey, there's more wisdom hidden in my bleached hair than in this dump"…but she kindly pointed out to me that there are a lot more places fitting the name…Olympia and an old ruined city named Olympos (that rang a bell, but I couldn't place it). I thanked her and was on my way again.

I travelled to both locations (Olympos is a beautiful area btw), searching thoroughly, asking people, but nobody knew anything about it.

So after weeks of journey I decided to return back to our headquarters, maybe find out some additional clues and head out again after that.

Close to PLA home I wandered through a neighbouring village and stopped dead when I saw the following…

Olympos Gift Shop at the base of a very scenic mountain, current owner Papadopulos Olympos, owned by the same family since ancient times…they started by selling little centaurs and Amazon action figures (complete with different masks and weapons) after an especially vicious battle between the two factions and had ever flourished since because the area was full of temple ruins. Could it really be that simple?

My hopes renewed, I was about to barge in when I saw a group of creatures close in…

…oh my, tourists, and lots of them…I could have taken on a few of them, but there were too many and travelling in packs they get really vicious. It seemed they had completely overrun the area, and now that I really paid attention I noticed none of the locals were on the streets. This required a subtle approach, a carefully planned operation. I would have to scope out the situation first, map the numbers and movements of the creatures and find an entry point.

It occurred to me at that point that I would maybe need help in this. So I sent word out and none other than our other mighty Co-Sic Kam arrived one day later to support my mission. A local family provided us with a room opposite the gift shop as a base of operation. So we began our difficult task, staying there night and day, totally absorbed into..uhm…watching the streets. After one week of exhausting…uhm…observation work we were finally sp…uhm done and had a cunning plan ready.

We'd use a distraction to draw most of the tourists away. Maybe leading them to another area so that the locals would have their village back. So we called upon the Amazons of the nearby village for help.

It worked beautifully…the Amazons appeared and started one of their traditional dancing sessions, this drove the tourists into frenzied picture taking. When the Amazons started to draw away, they followed them and were led to a nearby ruined temple. I'm afraid most of them perished in the lava pit there, they just didn't pay any attention where they were going…

Anyway, with the tourists gone we were able to enter the shop and ask for the scrolls. Papadopulos was happy to hand them over to us, they had been guarded by his family for a long time, and promised to reduce his assortment of hideous souvenirs to prevent another tourist infestation.

Before we were able to take a closer look at them, a message reached us, Bardy, anxious for our return had set out to look for us and had fallen into the hands of ruthless natives. I started searching for her immediately and when I finally found her it was nearly too late. Sadistic torturing techniques and culinary temptations had brought Bardy to the breaking point. Just in time I threw myself between her and the hideous concoction they tried to force upon her and told her to leave.

I have lots of experience withstanding decadent temptations as I was subjected to them for years. So instead of drinking I threw the evil potion at the natives around me, blinding them temporally with cream. While they were busy licking the stuff from their faces I broke through their ranks, using chocolate shavings to hack myself through the fence and escaped.

So, after long travels and cruel dangers, we're back now. Taking a first look at the scrolls I can already say they contain amazing information, which will be brought to you shortly.

Hail to our Queen!!!

PLA Forever!!!