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Oh geez. Where do I even begin?

1. Short, abbreviated names that authors force on their characters while they're interacting with each other. (Xe, Gabby, Gab, etc.) Every time Xena calls Gabrielle "Brie" I can't help but picture her as a large block of soft, white cheese. Very awful, and unintentionally funny. That's what's so brilliant about Canon!Xena. She always addresses Gabrielle in full, often letting those lllls roll off her tongue as if she were making sweet, sweet love to her blond companion. "Gabriellllle..." Mmmm. *coughs* Anything less just doesn't sound as sexy. (FYI- Gabrielle sounds equally as sexy when saying Xena's name in full. "Xeeeena..." *puddles*)

2. "The Bard." Most people don't have a problem with this one, but it grates on my nerves like a rough piece of cheese. I'm not sure who actually started this-- possibly Melissa Good-- but for some reason it irritates the dickens out of me when the "bard" noun is used in reference to Gabrielle. Yes, she was and is a bard, but it's a word I rarely associate with Gabrielle at all. Seems ill-befitting to the character somehow. When I first started reading Xena fanfics, it sounded so awkward, and to this day it never totally sits right with me. Nearly everyone employs this in their fics, though, so I've grown pretty numb to it these days. I do take notice of the fics that don't use it, though. It makes me want to spam the authors' mailboxes with love and praise for going out of their way to avoid it. LOL. The only thing worse is when Xena actually says it herself. "Thank you, my bard."

3. Constant name repitition. They were notorious for doing this on the show, but there's no need to adopt such nasty habits.

"Hello there, Xena," said Gabrielle. "How are you?"
"I'm fine Gabrielle," said Xena. "Thank you for asking."
"Xena? Would you care to go and fornicate behind those berry bushes?" Gabrielle asked.
"Yes Gabrielle, do lead the way," Xena replied.

4. Bad grammar and spelling, as others have mentioned. If English is your second language, that's fine. But if you're strutting around town with even a high school education, there's really no excuse for this. Particularly when there are beta readers all over the place.

5. Anytime Gabrielle is described as being "petite." I once read a story that described Gabrielle with her "petite breasts" and "petite hands" and "petite body" and I got this mental image of Gabrielle as a carnie at the circus.

6. Nonsensical sex scenes. [Please see post here: http://www.xena.yuku.com/topic/15277?page=10]

7. PWPs parading themselves around as legitimate stories. The reviewers are more often the ones responsible for doing this as much as the authors themselves, but I can't tell you how annoying it is when I'll read a glowing recommendation for something where the reader prattles on and on about how "excellent" and "unbelievable" the story is, only to click on it and find 3 pages worth of plot and 40 pages worth of sex. I don't have any problems at all with people writing smut for the sake of smut, but honestly... don't pretend that your fic holds any substance outside of Xena's thighs. Fanfics can essentially be narrowed down to four different catergories:

-Plot! (No Sex!)
-Plot! (With Sex!)
-Sex! (With Plot!)
-Sex! (Plot?)

All have their merits. Just don't get one confused with the other.

8. Horrific OOC actions or turns of phrase. Picture the show. If it's impossible to see Xena saying or doing it, DON'T WRITE IT.

9. LOL!Rape scenes. I call it LOL!Rape because Gabrielle is always totally into it (or falling madly in love with Xena) during or after the fact. It's nothing more than glorified bdsm, and often poorly written bdsm at that. I think a big part of the problem (and I apply this to every fandom) is that some writers have very limited (if any) sexual experience at all and tend to apply their own fracked-up fantasies of hot, buttery fornication to an audience that doesn't know any better.

Add to that, it often amazes me how some readers can be all over the place regarding what is or is not acceptable when the non-consensual stuff comes in to play. It can even border on outright hypocricy at times. I remember reading this intriguing little one-shot called "Chained" that featured a scene of non-consentual sex that was flamed by a lot of people. It wasn't graphic, and it wasn't even rape, but it stunned me how upset it made people, many of whom glomp down on Conqueror Xena raping and beating the crap out of Slave Gabrielle. I couldn't fathom it. Sure, it twisted the happy, cuddly Xena/Gabrielle relationship we're all used to, but it was different, for pete's sake! Moreover, it was poignant and really well-written. Double standards will creep into everything once in a while, but the rape issue will always bring out some of the worst in folks.

10. Butt sex. I will totally and unequivocally own up to the fact that this is 100% personal preference, but... no. Just no.

11. Xena/Ares. (HA!)

More will surely come to me, so I'll stop spamming for the time being.